I love my friends

My friends have always been an important part of my life. When I was growing up, I felt somewhat an outlier from my family. Not in any dramatic way, but I felt I had a bit of alien blood in me. And since I didn’t have that traditional bonding, I looked beyond for other ways to create that sense of belonging. As people say, you are born into a family (you don’t get much choice there), but with friends, it’s all about choice.

(All this, of course, gets thrown out the window when I consider my daughters. They are the core of my family now. And I can’t imagine that ever changing.)

Of course friends come and go in life. Best friends of our youth often are but memories in our later years. The tug and pull of our responsibilities, decisions and a thousand other things cause us to drift away from each other. Also with physical distance comes a decline in the closeness that once connected us. But none of that discounts its power. 

So why have friends at all? What benefit do they give? The list is long… for me, I get support. I get connection (often deep). I get (and give) respect. I get perspective of who I am and where I came from (long term friends rock at this). And since I started traveling, I may get a place to stay. But mostly, I get love. 

Isn’t this all what we all want?

As you can see, making and keeping friendships that have meaning is a passion for me. But to make them last, I had to learn a few basic lessons. 

First and foremost, making friends means taking risks and keeping friends takes work. The risk is that you have to become vulnerable in order to reach out to make that first contact. And the more open you are, the better the chance to make that connection. And the work? Let’s see…

Nothing is better than a good old face to face. Be it over food and drink or exercise. It’s the easiest and the best. And if someone lives far away, it used to be phone calls and letters.

But everything changed with the advent of the internet. Suddenly the possibilities of staying in touch, reaching out, communicating became easier. Without much effort you could send an email, jot down a text, or jump on a FaceTime call from anywhere in the world. 

This also puzzles me: so why are people more lonely than ever? I know the answer is complicated. 

Just because the means have gotten easier, the job of keeping a friend has not. The bonds that we develop with others in an art. It has rules. It has responsibilities. It takes work (there’s that word again) and commitment. 

Not everyone is able, capable or interested in these challenges. But it has been mandatory for me. I make the effort. It hasn’t always been easy, but I’ve been richly rewarded. My friend network has grown. And grown. 

So back to the rules. Firstly, and obviously, you have to stay in touch. Reach out. Return letters or texts or calls. Set up times to get together. And it’s great if both sides  embrace this. And if not? I often find that I am the one keeping my relationships stoked. I don’t mind. I’ve had practice. I get joy from it. 

But even with that, some fall away. Either by choice, events or neglect. A few times I have put up a fight and had  discussions, telling them that if they want to stay friends with me, they had to show me they wanted it too. But I am lucky in that many have embraced this and to this day we remain friends. Of course there are degrees in-between. Some I stay in touch more often that others. No surprises there.

Now that I’ve become basically a nomad, my network of friends have become even more important. And because of the added stress of not having a stable home, more work is needed to keep my friendships alive. 

Let me add a new wrinkle. As I’ve traveled I have made many new friends. Other travelers. Waiters. Tour guides, random people on the street, you name it. If we strike up a conversation and we have a connection, on you go into my address book. 

Almost daily in faraway countries, I start my mornings by reaching out to others. Usually by WhatsApp. I say hello. I ask them about their lives. What they’ve been up to. I say Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas/Hanukkah, or whatever.  I do it on Facebook and Instagram. I write emails. The one constant is that I do it. 

This keeps my relationships alive.

Then, when possible, I visit. Because of living in Los Angeles for so many years. It makes sense that many of my closest friends are there. So I’ve pretty much returned every summer to see them and touch base. I imagine I will continue this habit. 

Solo travel has it challenges. Yet I’ve never been truly lonely. Not to say that there haven’t been times that I wished I was sitting across from a dear old friend in a local restaurant, a glass of wine in hand, and catching up on our lives… revisiting great times we have shared. But I’ve never been so lonely that I became depressed. That I would crawl into a shell and become even lonelier. It always seems that wherever I am, I can look around find a friendly face and smile at them. “Where are you from?” I’ll ask. And from there, who knows. 

They might become a friend.

As always, thanks for reading.